One day, I will write about the things I miss. The things I long for. The familiar rituals. The mundane but reassuring routines. The simple comforts of home I never realized I depended on for solace.
Today is not that day.
Today is the day I will write about all the things I will not miss one bit. Not one tear will be shed, not one moment of reflection spent considering the loss of these sources of endless irritation.
These are the things I cannot wait to view only in the rear view mirror. After I have run over them with the RV.
Traffic
Dear Northern Virginia Traffic: Screw you. I’m out
Alarm Clocks
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. No more, my friend. No more.
Morning Shows
As an avowed night owl, I hate mornings. And anything that makes mornings more difficult to deal with makes me unhappy. Enter “morning shows” on the radio. After being woken up by my demon alarm clock and while facing the hellscape that is Metro DC traffic, I have to listen to a bunch of overly chipper morning people yammering on about whatever it is morning people yammer on about. Look, I don’t want to listen to people talk all day. Hell, I don’t even want to listen to MYSELF talk all day. The LAST thing I want to be subject to on my way to work is other people prattling on about celebrity gossip and radio contests. So, as I think about our new daily schedule, I’m looking forward to sleeping in past the time when morning shows go off the air and sweet blessed music comes on.
Meetings
I would post a picture, but it would bore you.
Cornhole
Our neighborhood has been inundated with young 20-something renters who like playing cornhole all day. All. Day. “Bam!” “Bam!” “Bam!” “WOOOOO!!!!” In the parking lots in front of the townhouses. On the walkways behind the townhouses. On the sidewalks throughout the neighborhood. That’s right. I’ll just come right out and say it: “Get Off My Lawn!!!!!
Home Ownership
On Monday morning you wake up and realize the air conditioner has died. Of course, it’s 110 degrees outside because that’s when these things happen. So you call the repairman who says the earliest he can be there is Wednesday afternoon. On Wednesday you stay home from work to await the repairman who indicates he will be there some time between 8:00 and 5:00. Wonderful. When he shows up, he tells you he may be able to fix the compressor, but he needs to order a part. Of course, with the weekend coming, he won’t be able to get the part and return to your place before Monday. Monday rolls around and what do you know? The part won’t fix it. You need “A WHOLE NEW HVAC!!” Isn’t that exciting??? But don’t worry, the new one is gonna save you TONS of money on your electric bill!! So you wait another week for the new system to come in and take an additional day off work so you can be there for the thrilling installation. Finally, exactly two weeks after the old one croaked, you have air conditioning again! It is the exact same air conditioning you had two weeks ago. However now, you have lost several days of leave and $10,000 has magically disappeared from your bank account. It is also almost September and it will take approximately 27 years before you realize the economic gains of having a more energy efficient system. Yay!
Winter
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE me some snow. No one wishes for a blizzard more than this girl! I don’t want some lame dusting. I want a full on, multi-day, don’t-make-any-plans-no-one’s-going-anywhere nor’easter complete with howling winds, 9 foot snow drifts and the vague realization that your pre-storm grocery list, which consisted of “wine,” may have been slightly insufficient. The problem is, once it’s done snowing, I really want it to be 90 degrees and sunny. I don’t want to dig the car out. I don’t want to walk the poor dog on icy, half cleared sidewalks the jerkwad neighbors haven’t bothered to shovel (I’m lookin at you cornhole kids!). I don’t want to look at nasty brown/grey slush that refuses to melt for weeks on end. I don’t want to wake up for work in the dark and get home from work in the dark and know that whatever time the sun spent over the horizon, it was hidden behind slate gray skies. Let’s face it, other than the occasional blizzard, winter is pretty depressing. And I won’t miss it.
So, there ya have it. The first chapter of the things I won’t miss. Oh, did I not mention this was a multi-chapter post?? Oh yeah, it is. There’s plenty I won’t miss. Stay tuned!!